So what is Marty doing in all this?
You fac'in know what? Mar'ee and I will be partners in crime till the end of fac'in time!
Partners in crime? Not a great choice of words there, considering....
Ow, you know wot I fac'in mean! Mar'ee's gettin' back into the cartoonin', he's using the expreiences we've 'ad over
the past few years and puttin' 'em to some good creative use. Other than that, he's still me right hand man when it comes
to business an' music. You will be 'earin from 'im soon.
So go on. Shock us. How did you get that job?
Well, those bastards at Trading Standards 'ave been puttin' it abaht that we beat up the manager of FM Music who was
working there at the time in order to get the shop. But it ain't fac'in true. I just went in there, a few calls were made,
an' within a coupla days I was back where I belong. I 'ad to nick some new gear from outside a charity shop an' also break
into a leisure centre to 'ave a decent shower to get meself ready for it, but it was worth it, I tell ya.
You now refer to your customers as your 'fans'. People have been really rooting for you, haven't they?
I couldn't 'ave done all this without 'em. I really couldn't. They mean the fac'in world to me.
Don't, you'll have me in tears! Readers, could these words really come from the mouth of a crook? We are dealing
with a good, honest businessman here!
Aw, yea, cheers! Don't or you'll 'ave me in tears too!
But what about Trading Standards? What about 'im? What is going to happen?
Oh, we will still get 'im. Only now, I'm sober enough, save for the odd pint of respectable lager (cue trademark
guttural laughter that harks back to the cheery days of Falcon) or glass o' Chardonnay, to destroy 'em all. I've got
people behind me on this one. But I've got a fac'in plan. I know they're gonna come lookin' for me. Never before has someone
risen again in the snivellin' faces of Trading Standards, so they ain't gonna be 'appy. So I know that 'e knows of me whereabouts,
an'I know he's gonna be stupid enough to come an' find me. Only this time, the only shelves that will be pulled daaahn will
be the ones fallin' on top of his fac'in 'ead. The end is fac'in nigh.
What did you make of the last Chilli Peppers records?
They 'aven't fac'in lost it, 'ave they? They're like a fine wine which I'd drink, or they're like me - they're just get
better with age.
And the New Rock Revolution?
Well, I'd seen all these New York-wannabes when I was on the streets, but it's like I always say; if it wasn't for fac'in
Lou Reed ya wouldn't 'ave the fac'in Strokes, if it wasn't for Iggy fac'in Pop ya wouldn't 'ave The Hives.
And finally, with the benefit of hindsight, what do you now think of Special Brew?
My advice to any poor fac'er who's toyin' with the idea of gettin' Brewed up: stick to the Chardonnay. Or else next morning
there'll be a fight between yer head an' yer stomach which you'll get caught up in the middle of, before they knock each other
aaaht an' promptly fall out of yer arsehole (cue that same life-affirming laughter. What a mastadon)!!!
Simon, it's truly been emotional, and on behalf of Falcon Fanatics worldwide, I'd like to say You Are Still The
Man.
Aw, cheers, yeah, cheers!
And one more thing....
Go on...
You don't reckon I could have 10% off my next purchase at FM, do you?
Yeah, sure, as long as ya don't come back the next week demandin' four grand!!!!!!
And with that, he strode off meaningfully into the sunset. Simon Harding, a hero in an age of none. And for all
those whose path he may cross: Look Busy, Jesus ain't just coming; He's Back....
