OK, here it is. It was promised initially, and for those Tabloid-Trash-loving Falcon fanatics, it has been fulfilled.
In true 'HEAT!'-magazine style, we bring you the juicey (urgh!) goss on the intimacies of our heroes.
WARNING: Not For The Weak-Stomached.
Back in the day, in true metalhead fashion, Si and Marty were as straight as dice. Both enjoyed a gander at any cute
young lady that graced their shopfloor, and both would discuss at great length who was fit and who was shit. Si had a girlfriend
who also graced the shopfloor; and quite a looker she was, too. Yep, there was never any doubt that these two warriors would
live to satisfy and fulfill the romantic dreams of any sweet chanteuese.
Although there have been reports alluding to their slightly-more wayward interests, but these reports come from the dog
turd that closed them down. Si is alleged to have undone his trousers in a provocative fashion behind the stinking hound's
head while he was sorting some stock on the floor. Both our ambassadors have also been accused of attempting to break into
the Falcon Lavatory while it was being shat in by the cunt (not literally, you understand.) But we will ignore this torrid
abuse.
But what now? Reports have indicated that Si has been spotted with numerous call girls in his time as a tramp in Poole,
and Brewhead in London. Christmas 2002 also saw the Warlords take a holiday in Brighton, where they were alleged to have squelched
with smackhead girls on the beach. And reports also indicate that, occasionally, in the sewers, they have been heard to be
beating one off quietly (or not so quietly, especially in the case of Si) in a corner. But have they taken out their sexual
frustration on each other yet? Our sources indicate not.....
'We wouldn't fac'in do that!' bellows Si, drunkenly. 'Yeah, we're no uphill gardeners!' roars Marty, incoherently. But,
boys, surely you've been tempted, what with the difficulty of sewer life? 'You fac'in what?! You fac'in what?! D'ya wanna
come 'ere and say that?' Erm, I just did. 'Oh, oooh, Oh yeah' murmurs Si, before falling asleep on a bench.
THE VERDICT: They are gonna get him.
Whether or not this is official is another thing, but we have been sent a transcript featuring an alleged elicit sex
session between Si and Marty. Avert your gaze if you have a weak stomach....
SI: Aww, Yeah, I like that!
MARTY: I bet you do, Si!
SI: Oh, oh, oh yeh!
MARTY: How about this?
SI: Aww, yeeeah, Urgh! That's good, Mar'ee! Aw, Mar'ee!
MARTY: I've got a couple of fingers here....
SI: Two fingers! Two fingers!
MARTY: Where d'ya want 'em?
SI: Um...Aw! Aw! Uhhh! Argh! Aaaaargh! Not there! Daaahn a bit!
MARTY: There?
SI: Aw yeah, I like that!
MARTY: What about this?
SI: Put it in me, Mar'ee!
MARTY: Aaw! Oh yeah!
SI: Uh! Uh! Uh! Uhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!
MARTY: Clean that up. Now.
AND THANKS TO POPULAR DEMAND: Another transcription of an elicit shag between Si an' Marz....
SI: 'Ere, Mar'ee, I've got summin' for ya...dy'a wannit?
MARTY: What is it?
SI: It's this...
MARTY: Ooof! Aw yeah!
SI: D'ya like that?
MARTY: I'm really getting into it...
SI: How abaahhht this?
MARTY: Aw yeah!
SI: An' this?
MARTY: Keep going! Keep going! Oh! Oh yeah!
SI: Uhuhuhuhuhu...awrgh!
MARTY: Why d'ya stop, Si?
SI: I've just blown me load, Mar'ee!
MARTY: Si, that was crap.
SI: You arse!
