Here at Trading Standards, we like to maintain a close eye on all purveyors of previous foul play. It is our aim, our goal, our dream even, to see that the world is a better place where fair trade is concerned. So we recently took a break from closing down restaurants in the EastEnd to check up on our old friend, that curly-haired cockroach Simon Harding. Here's what we found.

 

PHONECALL ONE

Harding: 'FM Music, how can I help you?' (A joke in itself.)

Standards: 'Hi, I was just calling to enquire about your returns policy.'

Harding: (pause) 'Whhhyyyyy? 'Old on a sec (pause as he probably rips off another customer) Whhhhhhyyyyyy?'

(The phone goes dead.)

 

So what conclusions did we draw from this? See my report on 'I'll fac'in get ya!' for a neat summary.

 

PHONECALL TWO

Harding: 'Good afternoon, FM Music!'

Standards: 'Yeah, hi, I was just calling to find out whether you sell bands' demos.'

Harding: 'Yeah, we do that.'

Standards: 'Oh really? Excellent.'

Harding: 'It's better if you've got gigs on at the time though.' (So far so helpful.)

Standards: 'Yeah, it's just that I remember you did it at the old shop.'

Harding: (long, drawn-out pause.)'We've always been 'ere.'

Standards: 'Oh, how long has that been?'

Harding: 'Abaaaht five or six years.'

 

And that was that. Here at Trading Standards, I don't think we even need to analyse what was shifty, false and downright borderline criminal about what the crook uttered during that conversation. All I can say is: Harding. Watch your back. The Standards are after you.

 

Also, here's something more you pathetic little Marty fans:

 

STANDARDS: 'Hi, can I speak to Marty please?'

HARDING: 'Sorry. Wrong number, mate.'

 

VERDICT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!